Generations

I was not going to write about this, but God had other ideas in mind. I feel this post is meant for someone who needs to hear these words. Whether your mom is alive or not, I pray this post gives you peace of mind and brings healing for your soul. For you, I have written this post.

My mom passed away in January of 2001. That same year, Washington State (where we lived at the time) experienced a significant earthquake. It shook our house and us in it. My grandmother (on my mom's side) passed away in April. In September of this same year, our country experienced one of the worst tragedies we have ever been through. I was already struggling with the losses in my family and then I was mourning for our country. It is a devastation that still haunts us all. Not a good year to say the least. I could write a novel about all of these events, but I am going to focus in on my mother and our relationship.

When my mother passed away, we were not on good terms. There are many factors involved in this and I will not be discussing them, but the one that stands out is this; She wanted to be in control of my life and I wanted to be independent of her. We struggled and we fought. It caused a lot of stress and anxiety for me. I would get physically and mentally sick, because I was hurting from our disagreements. I did not want this and neither did she, but we couldn't seem to stop. It came to a point that I did not want to be around her. At the time, I did not know how hard empty nest was affecting her. She was just trying to hold on and didn't want to let go. She told me, "One day, you will understand." She was right...

Now that I am going through my own experience of empty nest, I do understand and I feel like I know my mother a bit better dealing with this milestone. My daughters are wanting their independence and I want to hang on. They fought me on many occasions and history was beginning to repeat itself. Because of my struggles with my mother, I realized I needed to step away and let them grow up. I will always be here for them, but I need to let them be who they are. It is not easy by any stretch, but I know it is the right thing to do.

Mom is still teaching and helping me through this difficult time. Even though she is not here, the lessons that she taught, in our good and bad moments, shaped me and now are shaping her granddaughters. Even though we had major disagreements, we never stopped loving each other. We were strained, but I do not believe it was irreparable. Had she lived, I believe we would have healed our relationship and I know she would have loved spending time with her granddaughters. I know that day will come, just not on this side of heaven. I could dwell on what could have been, but I think the best way to handle this situation is to make a better future for our family.

Mom will always hold a special place in my heart and I do wish I could share these things with her personally. I will hold on to the good memories of her. Knowing we will see her again gives me peace. God allows these trials in our lives to help us grow in our faith and, hopefully, help others who may be going through similar experiences. In my weakness, I pray He is glorified.

2 Corinthians 12: 9-10- "But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

Mom with our little Grumbles. This pick was taken a year before she died of cancer.