When the Music Died

For many years I had cut music out of my life. Yes, I listen to it with family and friends or in the car, but it has not been a major part of my life for years. Fifteen to be exact. There are a few factors that contributed to it and they happened back to back. These events turned my world upside down and I had not fully recovered until now.

On December 30, 2010, my dad passed away from COPD/emphysema. It is also the birthday of our youngest Grumble. She does not like her birthday, to this day, because of his death. My dad and I were close and he was my sound board who was not connected to our church (I am a pastor's wife). He always gave me fresh perspectives and a sympathetic ear. We could laugh with the best of them too. I miss those moments so much. I miss him so much.

I used to be the type of person who would get out of bed, crank up the music, and jam out. If chores or painting were happening, I had the music going. Music was a big part of my life. I was in a Christian band when I lived in Washington State at that time. I was the lead singer. We had a bass guitarist, lead guitarist, and keyboardist as well. They were like brothers to me. I always wanted a drummer in our band, but that never worked out for us. We were our church house band and we led in worship during our contemporary service every Sunday. We played at different venues as well. From prisons, military bases, cafes..., we were a pretty active scene back in the day. We recorded a couple of cds. One with our original music and one of cover songs. We had our ups and downs, but we were a solid group. When we broke up, it devastated me. We were a family and then things changed. Circumstances happened that ruined our dynamic. I am not going to discuss those things. They are private. I will say, it is not what I wanted. It tore me up inside.

There was another event that happened that year and it affected our church. It made the news. We did not know about this, but the news made it sound like we did and our church suffered because of it. I will not discuss the details of this, either. It is the past, but it is part of why the music died for me. All of these events happened within months of each other and my world spiraled out of control.

When we moved to Texas in 2013, I was still broken. In a lot of ways, my whole family was broken for various reasons. We could have stayed up there, but we felt God calling us back home. Our oldest Grumble was to start college in Texas, so we all moved back together. It took us time to find a church to plug into. Our youngest Grumble was the surprise inspiration for the choice. She said they had doughnuts and that made me laugh. At the time, I did not want to deal with music. I didn't want to lead or even sing solos in church. The worship leader heard me singing a silly song one day and asked if I wanted to do a solo. I felt bad, but I snapped, "NO!" It took a while to finally get me to sing again. The first song I sang was with my brother (who lives next door to me with his family), because I couldn't sing by myself yet. After that, for many years, I sang solos, but they were few and far between.

Since I started on my wellness journey, mental health has been a main focus. Cutting out music and a huge part of who I am, was part of what made me gain weight. I had turned to food for comfort and let my health spiral out of control. Gaining perspective and taking the reins back, I have learned to love music again. It started with cardio drumming. Learning to dance and beat on those exercise balls helped me find joy in music and get those endorphins pumping too. These classes encouraged me to buy my first drums, my congas which I named Ruth and Jael. I have added bongos (David) to the mix and have a 4 pedal foot drum (Goliath) coming soon. Playing the drums is something I have always wanted to do and am loving every minute of playing them. Little did I know, the drummer was supposed to be me.

Me and my drums, Jael, Ruth, and David. Photo taken by Kelly Trapane.

Our worship pastor resigned from our church recently and I have felt the call to do as much as I can musically until we find a permanent person for the vacancy. I hope to lead once a month and am learning and memorizing songs on my drums. Memorization is not my strong suit, but I am doing it. In conjunction with this, I am leaving the art gallery I have been a part of for many years to focus on music. I will still paint from time to time, but I am needed here at the moment. I will be selling my art on my website as I create pieces in the future.

God has given me this direction and I am so thankful for it. I had to go through a hard trial to get here, but learning to love myself again and appreciating this part of me again has been worth it all. I will not take it for granted and plan to continue to grow in this experience. I'm going for a spin and stick my head out the window and feel the breeze on my face. This Gen Xer turned 55 years old this year. And as Sammy Hagar says in his famous song, "I can't drive 55!" This is the ride I have been waiting for and it's going to be a blast.

Romans 8:28- "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose."

Leading in worship this past Sunday. Song is "Joy Comes in the Morning" by Tasha Layton. Video snippet by Misti Grim.

This song is "How Great is Our God" by Chris Tomlin, Jesse Reeves, and Ed Cash. Video snippet by Misti Grim.